Based on all the niceties and pleasures that love is supposed to bring, chronicled by great scribes, poets and singers, you’d think that everyone would want to be loved.
Far from it though, and in fact it was Lord Tennyson who asked, ”Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”
But what is true, is that love is powerful, and with power comes not only great responsibility, but danger, making some persons shy away from it, choosing instead other emotional paths to pursue, other pleasures to entertain, rather than love.
That’s why the question has often been asked, especially by kings, politicians, rulers and even dictators, “Is it better to be loved or feared?”
Was Hitler loved or feared, was Genghis Khan, Attilla the Hun, Stalin, were they loved or feared? But this is not about rulers, but rather about ordinary people who are involved in relationships, especially men who often find it difficult to even say the word love.
There are some men who say, “I’d prefer a woman who respects me more than loves me.” A woman’s love is so special, and it’s hardly likely that she’ll love you and not respect you.
Is it better to be loved than desired? This may vary between genders, for many women really crave love and can live without the desire component. But you cannot bring that argument to most healthy able bodied libidinous men.
The women may differ. “I can live without the desire, but I can’t live without love.” That’s why men can love their wives who don’t desire them, but go with another woman who desires him but doesn’t necessarily love him. It’s a sort of physical emotional compromise.
Many men like to be in control, and if they aren’t, the relationship will not work for them. That’s why some guys will always gravitate towards women who are much younger than them, much smaller, emotionally needy, lower social class, and even less educated than them. Those men then feel superior and in control. Which goes back to the question, “Is it better to be loved or feared?”
That’s why some men will physically and emotionally abuse their women, because it makes them feel big and strong.
“I’m in charge, and she does what I say. Fear brings that, not love,” is what some men proclaim.
And some women do fear their men without having a shred of love for them. Ironically, some do not mind, as it gives them a sort of misguided sense of protection. “I know that if I step out of line, I’ll be punished, that makes me feel protected.”
Is there some sort of ‘Daddy Issues’ percolating there, or just a lack of self esteem, self worth, self love? Some men seek out those women who in turn are drawn to that type of man like a moth to the flame, a strange, surreal symbiosis with both feeding off each other.
But what perils does love bring that make some men prefer the alternatives? “This love thing brings too much baggage and emotions, and I can’t deal with that.” “Love generates obsession and jealousy.”
Hmm, so men aren’t really hung up on love in the same way that women are. Most women will choose love over everything else.
Someone deep into church told me that nowhere in the Bible it says that a man should love a woman. The Jamaican song by The Meditations also alludes to this,
“Never let a woman know how much you love her,
Cause there won’t be no peace in your life,
Never let a woman know how much you care,
Cause they will do things to hurt you, and it’s no joke about it.”
Yet, there are people who profess to love each other but don’t really like each other. Is that possible?
Maybe it is. I’ve heard women say, “I really hate it that I love him so much. I don’t really like him” Tina Turner sang, ‘What’s love got to do with it.’
Then there are some who prefer friendship over love. “I don’t love you anymore, can’t we just be friends?”
It’s complicated, but if you prefer respect, desire, friendship and fear, without love, then more power to you. I’ll take love.
